Friday, July 23, 2010

Own Destroyer.

Every morning, while waking up, I pray vehemently to myself to spare any horrors for the day. Sounds crazy? Well; it did to me also till some time back. Some time …
Every morning, while waking up, I used to pray vehemently to God to spare any horrors for the day. It could all be attributed with gratitude to the days after college spent in offices I never really wanted to work in, or where I wanted to, things went wrong definitely :). After changing jobs and still finding no respite from the ill-fate, I decided to introspect. Where did I miserably fail? As my mom persistently chirped, who cast the bad luck on me? Or the last excuse, why wasn’t God happy with me?
I like to say good things about myself. Hold on, some define it as pride / snobbishness/ superiority complex, etc. etc. But I was well within limits. At least I thought so. Got a new bag, went about what a great deal it was. Got a new haircut, discussed about how cool it was. Got a new assignment, bragged about how passionate were my colleagues. And then, things never remained the same.
The bag rotted in the rain, the haircut frizzled in a week, and the colleagues, well, never expect too much out of any living thing which has a remote resemblance of a human. And still, I did not deter from my habit.
I also like to imagine the best happening to me. To elaborate, I love to live in my good dreams once a while, which gets pulled to many :(. And then, not only do these dreams crash in reality, but also favor to occur exactly opposite to what they should have been. Lucky, right? I don’t think so, not in the least bit. I could have, if the not-so-good dreams had opposites too in reality. But they always stuck to their script; or remained loyal to their occurrence.
The realization dawned. I was my own enemy. One thing I praise about myself, it had to back-fire. God’s idea of playing with a child. Or His lack of interest to improve things for me and instead, putting the mismanagement on myself. The irony was that whenever I bad-mouth myself thinking things can’t get worse, they do. Believe me, they definitely do.
My troubles are currently multiplying, now thanks to latest fad that I destroy myself, though I pity myself too for being such a helpless curser. Poor me, I can’t even like me too much, lest it all starts going wrong.
The madness is beckoning to immerse in itself. Let me stop bringing out more vivid picture, unless I really end up so. Amen.